The Oakhaven Gazette

FOUR POUNDS AND FIVE PENCE. That is what was in Angela's hat by teatime last Monday, up from 85p at dinner - a pound, a twenty-pence piece and a two-pound coin, from three of the five people she asked.

Angela sits on a square of cardboard outside Boss Man's Corner Shop with a hat by her feet, and she asks whoever walks past.

“Help us out, duck? Just enough for a sandwich. Tariq's meal deal, that's all I'm after.”

The coins land flat in the hat and stay there.

Stop and she will ask you too. Walk off into the shop and, a couple of seconds after she loses sight of you, she is asking the next one.

Her pitch is on the corner of the slab, and the hat sits on the door side of her, so mind your feet on the way in.

“She says please and she says thank you, which is more than I get off my lot,” said Paul of 7 Radworth Road.

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ALSO INSIDE

Stone me!

Something on the moor that moves when you look away. Page 2.

Ice to meet you

Dry ice and a fuller floor at the Sweatbox. Page 2.

Knock knock

Who's there? Oakhaven Police. Page 3.

THE MOOR · HALLOWEEN WEEK

Stone me!

ONE MORE EVERY TIME YOU TURN ROUND. That is what walkers on the moor past the edge of town are reporting this week: pale, crusted figures standing in the grass, each one a few metres nearer than the last, each in a different pose.

They are never seen moving. The old story says they are men turned to stone, and that you never count them the same way twice. It is Grandmother's Footsteps, and they are very good at it. Midday makes no odds.

And after dark, further out, there is a red eye seventy-odd yards off in the black, and it is nearer every time you look back.

“I went up for a walk on Sunday and counted three. Turned round and counted four. I came back down the hill a lot quicker than I went up it,” said Jess of 1 Thornyholt Boulevard.

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THE SWEATBOX · DOORS AT SEVEN

Ice to meet you

TWENTY-FIVE SPOTS. That is the new dance floor at the Sweatbox, five rows of five, two and a half metres apart, from the front of the DJ's riser back to the bar.

Dancers start on their own and drift together into rings of two to five, facing in, and they leave each other a bit of room. Six steady washes pour purple, magenta and blue on the floor under the beat flashes.

And there is dry ice: a low bank of it round the dancers' shoes, with a warm haze high over the far end of the room.

“You used to be able to see the floor. Now you can see the fog on the floor. That's progress,” said Michael of 5 Foundry Close.

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ON THE PARADE · FRINGE BENEFITS

A cut above

TUESDAY TO SATURDAY, nine till half five. That is Agnieszka, the new stylist at Fringe Benefits, who carries her scissors in a pouch on her hip and works round the back of the head where the scissors belong.

The clippings fall in a ring round the chair, and next door at Barber Black Sheep Terry's do the same.

OAKHAVEN POLICE · ON YOUR DOORSTEP

Knock knock

TWO KNOCKS AND A MINUTE. That is how long Oakhaven Police now wait on a doorstep for somebody they want. A car pulls up, two officers walk to the door, and they knock.

Open it and you are arrested on the step and driven to Radworth Road. Leave it shut and they say they will be back, get in the car and go - and they come back in a quarter of an hour.

Being wanted adds forty-eight hours to a stay in the cells, and a strike on the record. On the way in, the custody officer has a new stab vest and, the Gazette is told, a smile.

Then the sandwich and the tea, with a lecture.

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VOID PROPERTIES · KELSTHORPE, RADWORTH, BEWSALL

Screen test

EIGHT HOUSES. That is how many have been screened up in grey steel this week: 6 Ovaltine Crescent, 61 Bisto Road and 13 Brylcreem Close at Kelsthorpe, 3 Netherby Street and 8 Coalpit Court in Radworth, and three in Bewsall, on Ropery Road, Lowther Street and one more.

Steel over the downstairs windows and doors, broken glass on the ground beneath, grime on the glass upstairs, weeds in the garden and a mattress round the back.

“Every street has one. Ours has one now as well,” said Martin of 8 Tollerton Rise.

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THE SLAG & SLURRY · THE BACK WALL

Arrow escape

Edward has changed his throw. The dart goes up by his ear, he flicks it, his hand follows through, and it is in the top of the board. Then he walks up, pulls the darts and chalks what you have left.

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THE COUNCIL · THE DEPOT

Changing rooms

The bin crew get dressed at home. Ian of 9 Stanwick Crescent has his council shirt on indoors at six minutes to five, and he is out of his front door in it at twenty-four minutes past.

IN BRIEF

Two-track mind

When the snow comes, the cars on the estate leave two tyre tracks, one from each side. Fresh snow fills the old ones in, and when it thaws they go.

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CORRECTION

In a haze

Last week this paper said the haze at the Sweatbox hung all the way down to the dance floor. It hung somewhere the eye could not find it. The club has new haze this week, high over the far wall, and dry ice on the floor.

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THE EDITOR WRITES

Spare a thought

Four pounds and five pence in a hat outside the corner shop, statues on the moor that creep up on you, and a knock at the door you can choose to ignore for a quarter of an hour.

Put something in the hat. Do not turn your back on the moor. Answer the door.

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Stones

I walk this town all day with a bag of post and I have never once been followed by a rock. Whoever is putting them up on the moor, I would like a word.

ERROL, 51 Thornyholt Boulevard

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Scissors

The new girl at Fringe Benefits wears her scissors on her hip like a cowboy. I went past three times to look.

JACOB, 8 Bobbin Yard

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The door

Fifteen minutes. In my day if the police knocked you hid behind the settee for an hour and they had a cup of tea with your mother.

TAMZIN, 95 Bestholme Boulevard

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Angela

Twenty pence is twenty pence. Somebody gave her a two-pound coin on Monday and I would like to shake their hand.

Name and address supplied