The Oakhaven Gazette

SIX POUNDS A CAR. That is what the Radworth & District Autograss Club pays to have the mud blasted off its buggies at Clinker Lane Raceway, and the money is there for whoever picks up the lance.

Eight Class 10 specials race the oval out past the edge of town - purpose-built buggies with bike and V8 engines, the fastest and loudest class there is. Every third heat they come in, park in their bays and the roller doors come down.

Stand by the garage when they do, and the doors go back up.

Take the lance off its hook. Spray a car all over and it pays out. A buggy caked from a wet heat takes about three-quarters of a minute of steady spraying before it comes up clean.

The mud is the weather's doing. Dusty when it is dry, caked when it has rained, and the car in front throws it all over the car behind. So the leader comes in cleanest.

“Forty-five seconds and six quid. I have had worse Saturdays,” said Dave of 66 Limekiln Close.

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THE TRACK

A dish of mud with the grass coming through, a groove for every line the drivers take through the bends, and a big screen in the infield with a drone feed of the race.

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ALSO INSIDE

Staff of life

The stray who would sell his soul for a ham sandwich. Page 3.

Poached

Shirley's eggs, and a patrol car. Page 3.

Chalk and talk

Edward keeps the score. Page 2.

THE SLAG & SLURRY · LEFT OF THE BAR

Chalk and talk

FIVE HUNDRED AND ONE. That is where every leg starts on the new dartboard at the Slag, on the wall left of the bar, right by where Edward sits.

Five-oh-one, double out, best of three legs, and Edward will take on whoever steps up to the oche.

And then he keeps the score.

After every visit he gets up, walks to the board, pulls the darts out, turns to the chalkboard and writes up what is left. His first visit was a sixty. He chalked four hundred and forty-one.

He averages about forty-nine a visit, which is a pub regular, and he gets a bit looser the more pints go down.

“He writes slower than he throws,” said Jackie of 1 Bramcote Row.

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THE BAULK LINE · THE BAR SIDE

In off

HALF THE TABLES at the Baulk Line have gone over to pool. Reds and yellows, the black last, and British league rules.

Foul, and the other player gets a free shot and then his visit, with the white anywhere behind the baulk line. Pot one off the break and you stay on.

The table nearest the bar has its cue out.

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THE SLAG & SLURRY · BY THE SINGER'S WALL

Framed

JOSIAH BRAMWELL, 1838 to 1889, landlord of the Slag and Slurry public house, is back in his own pub - in sepia, in a wooden frame, on the wall at the near end of the bar where Samantha sings.

Top hat, mutton chops, and a crease across one corner of the card.

There is talk in the Slag that he never quite left. The staff behind the bar would not say.

RADWORTH ROAD · THE BINS

Staff of life

A HAM SANDWICH. That is the going rate for a friend round Radworth Road this week, and the friend is a stray Staffordshire bull terrier.

Dark brindle, white bib, rose ears, about thirty-nine centimetres at the shoulder. He roams at a slow walk and stops at the bins.

Walk up to him and he keeps eight metres off, low, watching you. Hold out a ham sandwich and he creeps in, belly on the pavement, and wolfs it.

Offer him chocolate and he sniffs it and leaves it, which is the right answer for a dog.

Keep at it and he lets you read the brass tag on his collar. It says TYSON.

“Once he has decided you are his, that is it. Loyal for life,” said Vera of 11 Radworth Road. “Do not run at him. He holds it against you.”

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RADWORTH ROAD · THE HEN RUN

Poached

AN EGG. That is all it takes. Shirley at number 4 checks her five hens from the kitchen window first thing and last thing on weekdays, and she has told the Gazette she will ring in anybody she sees helping themselves.

This week a patrol car came off its round, drove to Radworth Road and pulled up outside number 6. An officer walked up the path, stood on the step for twenty seconds and walked back to the car.

No blue lights. It was an egg.

The hens, meanwhile, peck now - beak in the grass four times, then a look round - and they step aside rather than walk into each other. In at dusk, out at dawn.

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BEWSALL · THE NORTH-WEST

Streets ahead

NEARLY THREE THOUSAND homes and shops stand on the hill at Bewsall, the new estate off the roundabout in the north-west, on roads that climb no steeper than one in ten.

A hundred and forty-nine street nameplates went up this week, with four zebra crossings, orange globes flashing, and a puffin. Eight new junctions join the estate to the main road, with kerbs and give-way lines.

Two of the street names have raised eyebrows: Fondleton Vale Road and Muffley Vale Avenue.

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IN BRIEF

Smile, please

Six number-plate cameras have gone up on poles by the main roads: three on the Radworth Ringway and one each on Beechdale, Strelby and Netherfold Avenues. They face the oncoming traffic.

Can do

Cans of Knackered, a new energy drink, are turning up in the council's litter bins. Black can, a lightning-bolt K, price-marked a pound twenty-nine. NOT ANY MORE YOU'RE NOT, it says on the side.

Opening time

The Pleasure Palace opens when Vickie gets there. She leaves 4 Bestholme Boulevard at twenty to ten, Monday to Saturday, and the door is locked till she does.

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THE EDITOR WRITES

Mud and money

Last week it was a test drive and five hundred quid in the gutters. This week there is six pounds a car out at Clinker Lane, a dog that wants a sandwich, and a patrol car that will come off its round for an egg.

Mind the ham. He can smell it from the bins.

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Fondleton

I have lived in Oakhaven all my life and I have never heard of anywhere called Fondleton. I will not be asking for directions.

PETE, 67 Limekiln Close

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Two shots

A free shot and then your visit, they tell me. In my day it was two shots and you were grateful.

MO, 1 Stanwick Crescent

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For an egg

A police car outside number six, for an egg. When my shed was done over it took them three days.

PAUL, 7 Radworth Road

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In our bin again

That brindle dog was in our bin again. My husband gave him half his sandwich. Now he waits by the gate.

Name and address supplied