The Oakhaven Gazette

THREE THOUSAND AND NINETY-THREE POUNDS. That is the cash price of the cheapest car on Cutshaw & Shutt's forecourt, the 2010 Pipsley Tiddler, once Gary Shutt has added his paperwork and his paint protection to the two thousand four hundred and ninety-five on the windscreen.

Or three hundred and nine pounds thirty down, and five pounds thirty-four a day, every day, for seven hundred and thirty days.

And Tuesday came.

Last week every test drive on the lot was Tuesday. This week Mr Shutt put a customer in the passenger seat of a Tamsford Dawdle, reversed it off the bay himself and drove six kilometres.

He had it up to sixty-eight miles an hour. He talked the whole way. Then he parked it back on the lot and they both got out.

Mr Cutshaw was not available.

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FRIENDLY REMINDER

Miss a payment and you hear about it. Mr Shutt sends a text, and it starts “Friendly reminder!”

Want shot of the Tiddler early? Two days in, he quoted two thousand seven hundred and ninety-one pounds ninety-eight to settle.

“It was Tuesday. I am not going to ask which one,” said Paul of 7 Radworth Road.

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ALSO INSIDE

The reel thing

Reg and the one that did not get away. Page 2.

Loose change

Five hundred quid in the gutters. Page 3.

Bounce back

Barred means barred. Page 2.

THE OAKHAVEN · ON THE BANK

The reel thing

A FOLDING CHAIR, A FLASK AND A FLAT CAP. Reg of 18 Ravensholt Avenue leaves home between ten and eleven every morning with his rod, and he fishes till six or seven.

There are eight spots on the bank he likes, and he picks a different one each day. X for a brew and a smoke.

This week he held up a salmon.

And on the bank, a perch of twenty-four and a half centimetres went on a disposable barbecue, browned, and was eaten. A trout of thirty-five and a half would not go on - the grill is twenty-seven centimetres across.

“He offered me a cup of tea out of that flask. Best brew in Radworth,” said Mo of 1 Stanwick Crescent.

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THORNYHOLT BOULEVARD · OPPOSITE THE COMMUNITY CENTRE

Bounce back

A TENNER ON THE DOOR. That is the price of an evening at Knockers, eight till four, Monday to Saturday, and Big Clive wants to see your ID before he takes it.

The stamp on your hand is good for four hours. Three warnings inside and you are out on the pavement. Barred is an hour.

One man came back inside the hour. “I told you, pal. You're BARRED.” Then: “Right. Lights out.”

He woke up in Oakhaven General.

Concussion, and what the doctor called a lovely black eye. “When he says you're barred,” said the doctor, “he means it.”

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THE RIVER · WILDLIFE

Otter believe it

THERE IS AN OTTER IN THE OAKHAVEN, and it dives the moment you get close. The crayfish stand their ground and put their claws up.

And the river is wet again. For nearly three kilometres below the road bridge the water had gone. It is back.

PHONE BOXES · BUS SHELTERS · ALLEYS

Loose change

FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS. That is how much money is lying about Radworth this week, and it is finders keepers.

A hundred-pound note. Two fifties, five twenties, eight tens and sixteen fivers. Seventy fifty-pence pieces and fifty ten-pences.

Eleven bits in phone boxes. Fifty-two at fourteen bus shelters. Forty-five on the pavements.

And forty-four up seventeen alleys - two hundred and fifty pounds ninety of it.

Pick it up and it stays picked up.

“I found a tenner in a phone box. I have not used a phone box since 1998,” said Charlie of 39 Thornyholt Boulevard.

The council has put out forty-five new litter bins on twenty-seven streets, black and gold with the city crest. Have a rummage if you must. And the crisp packets go where the wind sends them now - thirteen to twenty metres in a fourteen-mile-an-hour breeze, till they fetch up on a kerb.

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RADWORTH ROAD · THE TERRACES

Hen party

FIVE HENS live in a coop behind 4 Radworth Road, and Shirley goes out to them of a morning. They lay between seven and eleven.

Three hundred and thirty-three back doors on the estate now open, so she goes out the back.

Next door but one, Thomas at number 8 likes his music. Monday at half eleven at night, for instance.

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THE SLAG & SLURRY · QUARTER TO EIGHT

Eyes down

FIVE CARDS FOR A POUND. Samantha finishes her set at the Slag, sits down, and at quarter to eight comes round the tables selling bingo.

Charlotte calls at eight. A win pays eight pounds, and the regulars stay sat a couple of minutes after to talk about it.

OFF THE NORTH RING ROAD

Torc of the town

A gold torc has come up out of the cave off the North Ring Road. There are thirty pieces down there, they say, worth eighty-eight thousand six hundred pounds between them. The council's sign at the top still says DANGER TO LIFE.

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IN BRIEF

Still not emptied

The wagon is still on Tollerton Rise and the bins are still out. Seven editions.

Three hundred and ninety-nine

Ninth week, and all three hundred and ninety-nine still up.

Correction

Chish & Fips opens half eleven till half nine, ten on Fridays, and is shut Sundays - not ten till ten, seven days, as its advertisement said last week. Burger Boss shuts at eleven, half twelve on Fridays and Saturdays.

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THE EDITOR WRITES

Tuesday, and after dark

A fortnight ago Radworth got a motor trade and no car to drive. This week the man on the lot drove, a tenner got you into Knockers, and five hundred pounds turned up in the gutters.

The nights are drawing in, mind.

There is talk in the Slag of things out past the fields. Some of it is finding its way into the dark country round Oakhaven. More on that another time.

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Five pound thirty-four

Mr Shutt says he will put me in a Tiddler for five pounds thirty-four a day. I could fill it at pump four. I still would not know where to go.

PETE, 67 Limekiln Close

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Party wall

Number eight had his music on through the wall at half eleven on a Monday night. I did not know the song. I know it now.

Name and address supplied

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Still no children

Eighth time of writing. A strip club. An otter. Five hens. No kids.

TRACEY, 57 Limekiln Close

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The tags are still up

Ninth week. Three hundred and ninety-nine. The wind blows the crisp packets up against them now.

CHARLIE, 39 Thornyholt Boulevard